Darren, Male, 54

	- Narrator, retired, father of Gwen and Victoria (Vic)

	- 5'11, beige skin, 195lbs, cropped greying brown hair

Audrey, Female, 16

	- High school senior, daughter of Duncan and Theresa

	- 5'9, pale skin, 140lbs, light-green eyes, straight auburn hair over her shoulders

Gwen, Female, 16

	- High school sophomore, daughter of Darren, sister of Victoria

	- 5'6, beige skin, 135lbs, shoulder-length wavy black hair

Victoria (Vic), Female, 14

	- High school freshman, daughter of Darren, sister of Gwen

	- 5'4, beige skin, 120lbs, wavy neck-length light-brown hair

Rainey, Female, 47

	- Night nurse

	- 5'8, 155lbs, beige skin, blue eyes, shoulder-length auburn hair

Joyce, Female, early-80s

	- Wife of Herman, grandmother of Audrey, mother of Theresa

	- 5'6, beige skin, 115lbs, bobbed salt-and-pepper hair

Herman, Male, early-80s

	- Husband of Joyce, grandfather of Audrey, father of Theresa

	- 6'0, beige-olive skin, 180lbs, thin short gray hair

The following day was one of the hardest of my life. I was a liar. A betrayer. A cheater. I wore a mask of normality which didn't at all match how I felt inside. I kissed Rainey because the mask demanded it. I calmly waited for my grouchy daughters to get themselves together for the cab ride because bigger concerns weighed on my emotions. I ate breakfast only because to do otherwise might be a red flag that something was wrong. Hollow, bruising guilt gnawed at me in ways that I could never have imagined. And, I had to spend most of an entire day in airports and planes, confined, trapped, unable to tell Rainey the truth. Unable to consider talking to Audrey about what we'd done.

Thankfully, I didn't see Audrey that morning until we were ready to board the plane. A quick glance was shared between us. Her mask was less convincing than mine, I thought, though I may well have been overconfident in my ability to hide my inner turmoil. I saw concern and doubt on Audrey's face in those bare seconds, enough that it ate away at me and added to my guilt. There was something else there, though, and I only later realized it was something that, perhaps, I was also feeling: hope. It was a passing glance, no more than a brief moment of understanding, but I was fortunate that it didn't last longer and that I didn't need to face her again on the trip.

We deplaned in Houston, weary and sore from our travel. Rainey and my daughters were exhausted, which left my condition even less obvious than it would have been otherwise. I thought, maybe, once we were in our home city that I might be able to simply divorce that distant, Tokyo reality from the rest of my life and ignore what had happened with Audrey. I couldn't have been more wrong.

- - -

I was sick to my stomach for several days. Not violently ill, just sick from fear and guilt. Rainey and I talked on the phone a couple of times, but I made excuses to end the call quickly and otherwise avoided her. She was back to work anyway, so there was no immediate pressure to face her. My girls went back to school soon after we were home, and that largely left me, alone during the day, to drown myself in scotch and misery.

I thought often that I should talk to Audrey, that I should call her, or maybe just go over and see her in person, but that idea also made me nauseous. Not just because of the impact of our affair on Rainey, but also because, deep down, I didn't actually regret that night in Tokyo.

I should have. I know. I did feel guilty, ashamed, angry at myself for cheating on Rainey. But the reality was I didn't regret fucking Audrey again. If I had a chance to make a different choice, if I could go back and take that moment under review, I would have rushed into Audrey's arms, kissed her, and fucked her as hard and as urgently as I did that night. If I saw Audrey in Houston, after what we'd done in Tokyo, I knew the temptation to hold her in my arms again would be too powerful to resist.

So what was I to do? I played possum, at first. I ducked out of doing anything with Rainey on the weekend after we returned, lying to her and saying I had a college friend visiting.

But that got old quick. I could only ignore a couple of calls from Rainey before I felt like I had to answer if only to maintain the appearance of normality. Her eagerness to see me rose with each missed opportunity, and I was running out of excuses which sounded plausible. So the next thing I did was simply ignore the issue. I pretended things were fine, and Rainey, as far as I could tell, bought it.

We saw each other the second Friday after returning from our trip, a dinner out and then an evening of making love. I was aroused enough to get into the sex with Rainey, but my mind regularly sent reminders of the night with Audrey. It meant it took a long time to cum, but Rainey seemed to rather enjoy the long session and gushed her approval as we cuddled afterwards.

Audrey didn't come over to my house to swim or visit my daughters over those weeks. She was simply away. I knew from Joyce that the teen had gotten a car and was frequently out each evening for practice or games or extra studies.

The vacuum between Audrey and me imploded on January 12th when my phone rang at eleven in the morning. My daughters were at school and I was lounging in my boxers, reading but so far not into the scotch just yet.

The caller id showed Audrey's photo. I wondered why she would call me in the middle of a school day. My stomach clenched.

“Audrey?”

“Darren?” she said, her voice sounding upset, “are you at home?”

“Yeah...”

“Grandma Joyce was taken to the hospital a few minutes ago. I don't know what's wrong. My car won't start and I need to get to her... can you come get me?”

Every other worry, every thread of guilt, got shoved back and I immediately answered, “I'll be right there.”

I was in front of Audrey's school in less than ten minutes, having had the minimal forethought to be wearing more than just boxers. Audrey slammed into the passenger seat, her bag slung into the back. She'd been crying, her mascara smeared a bit under each eye.

“Any update?”

She shook her head as I pulled away, “Nothing. She was at breakfast with Grandpa Herman and I don't know anything else.”

“Okay... Hang in there, I'll get you there as fast as I can...”

“Thanks, Darren...”

Nothing more needed to be said. Our night in Tokyo or its consequences didn't matter one bit in that moment. I'd drop everything in the world to help Audrey. Well, my daughters were the exception, but only them.

We drove in silence and I dropped Audrey off at the hospital entrance, then I found a spot in the parking garage. At the reception desk, I asked after Joyce and they didn't yet have any information. Since she was probably admitted through the emergency process, the clerk told me I could go to the ER waiting room and check there.

That's where I found Audrey again. She was sitting on the edge of her seat, her eyes watering. She saw me and tried to smile, failing, nearly crying again.

“Heard anything?” I asked.

“Grandpa Herman said she might have had a heart attack. They took her back. He's in the bathroom right now. Oh, Darren...”

I slid into the seat beside her and ignored the eyes glancing at us from all around. I wrapped an arm around Audrey and she put one around me, her head on my shoulders. There was nothing to do but wait and offer the teen support.

Herman returned and looked worn out and weary. He nodded at me, just a quick glance at Audrey, sitting heavily on her far side. Audrey took his hand and squeezed it tight. "Well," the man said quietly, "they think it was a mild heart attack, nothing too serious, perhaps. They are admitting her and will probably keep her here for observation at least through tomorrow."

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked.

"Look after my granddaughter, and, if you don't mind, there are a few things I need from my home. Medications and that sort of thing." He pulled out a small note pad and a pen, jotted a few notes, and handed it to me.

"Of course. I'll go right now if you'd like."

Herman nodded but said nothing else, the strain on his face obvious and disheartening.

Audrey leaned up and told me, "I'll go to let you in..."

She walked just ahead of me to the parking garage, saying nothing.

The drive back to our neighborhood passed slowly and in silence. At one point, I took Audrey's hand and squeezed it. She responded in kind, and then we let our grips fall away, our hands apart once more.

Audrey unlocked the door to her grandparents, then said, "Let me have the note. I'll get what Grandpa Herman needs..."

I waited quietly just inside the door. It was odd being in the home alone with Audrey and no one else. The last time that had happened was the day our relationship had begun to become adult, the day I waited for the older neighbors to return from the store while Audrey got drunk and tried to tempt me into strip poker. So much had changed since those moments. Some were good. Many others, not so much.

Audrey returned with a bag slung over her shoulder and said, "I got everything, plus some things for me." She stared at me a moment and into those light green eyes I sank. Temptation too real, the opportunity too rich, Audrey and I moved as one and she brought her lips to mine.

Her kiss was as passionate and needful as the one we'd shared in Tokyo. It seemed inevitable. Unavoidable. Here we were again, a tragedy in Audrey's life and I was the one able and willing to give her my support, my strength. My love. I held her tight as we kissed, lost in her arms, in Audrey's warmth, in her desire to be with me again. I was starting to lose the ability to consider those earlier arguments, those reasons why we couldn't be together again.

I pulled back first, slowly, and spoke true words to her, "I love you, Audrey..."

"I know," she said, hugging me tight again, "I love you so much..."

"We need to talk about—" I began.

"Not right now," she cut in. "Please... just... not right now..."

"Okay..."

Rainey was somewhere in my thoughts, distant and blurry. All I could think about was Audrey and that moment in her arms. Whatever had happened, whatever we would do next, my head pushed all other worries aside and let those spare seconds holding Audrey be the only thing which mattered.

- - -

"I'm going to break up with Travis," Audrey told me quietly while we sat in the small waiting area down the hall from Joyce's room. They were still getting her settled in and we had yet to see the woman. Herman had gone down with the nurses to see his wife. She was stable, that we knew, but beyond that, there were only assurances that the medical team was providing Joyce the best care possible.

"Audrey," I replied carefully, "is that because... because of Tokyo?"

She shrugged, seated next to me, her eyes on the shiny white floor. "Partially, but... not wholly..." Audrey shifted her legs from straight out to crossed, one over the other, their length always impressive even when covered with thick, modest black denims. "He's a loon..."

"Loon?"

"Hypocritial fundy Christian..."

"Ah," I replied with nothing eloquent offered up in response.

"He... he kinda makes me feel guilty... after we're together... says its sinful, that we can't be together until we're married." Audrey's reason was a gut punch to me. A soft one, given the circumstances and what she'd said about breaking up with the boy, but hearing confirmation that Audrey and Travis had been intimate, even in such couched terms, even when I knew it was happening, did nothing but upset my stomach further. "But he's duplicitous... one day he'll be all super-uptight about it, not even wanting to kiss... the next day... he's all... all over me. And then after... I don't feel shame for desiring sex, Darren... I'm not ashamed of it... but... but he tries to make it out to be my fault. Like I'm the one tempting him... I'm tired of it. I've been thinking about breaking up with him for a couple of weeks. Tokyo... Tokyo just made up my mind that it needed to happen soon..."

I nodded slowly, trying not to let the spiraling 'what-ifs' take me away from listening to Audrey in that moment.

"And," she continued, "I'm not saying... I'm not saying we have to be together... Breaking up with Travis... that's separate... at least partially. It doesn't mean... we have to be together..."

"But that's what you want, right? Us together again?" I asked quietly, hoping the nurses down the hall couldn't hear our conversation.

"Yes," Audrey said firmly, "and... and I think you do, too... Tokyo wasn't just a one-time thing to you, either..."

"No," I admitted, "it was not..."

We were quiet for a time as several people shuffled along the hallway. It took a lot of willpower not to lean over and kiss Audrey right then.

"So," she said, "what does that mean for you... and Rainey?"

"I'm struggling to figure out everything, Audrey... Rainey, she's... she's great. She's been good for me... good to my girls... and... and she loves me... I just... She's not you."

Audrey looked at her feet and nodded.

"She deserves better than me... I cheated on her, Audrey. I'm a cheater. I've never... ever... done that to anyone... and I feel terrible..."

"I'm sorry," Audrey said in a small voice, "I never meant—"

"No," I cut her off, "I'm sorry. It was my fault. Please... don't be sorry. I just... I have to find a way to deal with this... with her..."

"And... what about us?"

I risked taking Audrey's hand in mine, just holding it between where we sat close together. "I... I tried for a long time, Audrey... ever since we broke up... to find a way to get over you. To get past you. I hoped that you and Travis would solve that for me, that, someone as wonderful as Rainey would give me the distance I needed. But I can't get you out of my mind. I can't stop thinking about being with you, even if just some simple moment where I can hear you laugh, or see your smile. No one else in the world has ever made me feel the way you do... and... I miss you every minute of every day we're not together, and—"

"Audrey?" Herman's voice interrupted my emotional outpouring. I dropped Audrey's hand and looked at the man who seemed to have aged a decade in the last few hours. "Your grandmother is awake if you would like to visit."

Audrey nodded and stood up, pausing only a second as if to ask me to join her. Instead, she headed towards Joyce's room, leaving Herman standing and looking weary. He sat heavily beside me.

"How's she doing?" I asked quietly.

"Alright, I suppose," Herman replied. "Damned stubborn bird, as I'm sure you know. Confident she knows more than her doctors, but really, she's just scared."

"I expect that's normal."

"Aye." Herman rooted around in the bag Audrey had brought from home, pulling out a bottle of water and a pill case, flipping open one of the compartments and downing the small white and red pills inside with a long swallow from the bottle. "They think it was minor, not so unusual a thing, they say. She's gonna stay the night, maybe two, while they run some tests to be sure. Docs seem to think a couple of new medications will keep the issues in check, but we'll see."

"Sure sorry, Herman. I know this must be difficult."

"Aye," he repeated, "it is. But... these last few months have just been a real kick in the nuggets, haven't they?"

"So they have," I replied, thinking back to Duncan's death months earlier.

"So," Herman said after exhaling long and slow, "you and my granddaughter are seeing each other again." He didn't ask it as a question.

"Huh? Oh, uh..." My instinct was to lie. To deny everything until Audrey and I, and our significant others, had a chance to resolve our current situations. Instead, I was too overwhelmed to put on that mask again. "We're moving that direction, yes..."

"Something happen in Tokyo?"

Damn, that man was too sharp sometimes. "Something happened in Tokyo..."

He nodded. "I knew you two wouldn't be apart forever. She thinks she hides it, Darren, but I've seen her looking out the window to your place. I know she's hoping she'll see you sitting out there with your scotch in the evenings. She hasn't forgotten you, even with that silly boy in her life."

I chuckled, "Silly, huh?"

Herman shrugged, "Got some silly notions about morality that don't make much sense. He disappears down the hall with my granddaughter, doing whatever you might imagine in her room, then comes out and preaches to me and my wife about being righteous and worthy of the Lord. Well, I ain't much on being preached to, Darren. I'm a God-fearing man, but me and the Lord, we have an understanding of sorts. I don't need no boy telling me how to get right."

"I can understand that... Audrey's not happy with that part of him, either."

Herman nodded, "So she's breaking up with him soon, I expect."

"I think so."

"What about Rainey?"

My throat constricted briefly, then I said, "I'm working on that..."

"She's a kind woman, Darren. I thought you and she were good together... seemed to have a good time in Tokyo that I saw. We've known her for years, Joyce and I. Can't say I wish to see her hurt, but... maybe it's too late for that, huh?"

"Like I said... I'm working on it..."

"She loves you, yes?"

"Yes."

"And you don't love her?"

"Not in the way she deserves," I admitted. "She's kind and beautiful and my girls like her, Herman, but... but..."

"She's not Audrey..."

"She's not Audrey."

Herman watched me a moment, then leaned back in his chair, sipping water. "Few are," he said, his voice thin and rumbling. "Can't say I much cared for you and Audrey being together... Not sure if that's changed, honestly, but... You're a good man, Darren. And my granddaughter... she's a diamond among lesser gemstones. I can't really blame you for seeing that and choosing her over someone who would otherwise be just fine for you..."

I nodded and said nothing.

"Do this right, then, you hear? No more sneaking around, no more lying to Rainey and Travis and your girls and me and my wife. Set things straight before you and Audrey jump in again. I guarantee you will be thankful you do so. Letting your partners dangle while you have an affair... that's not going to make anyone feel good about things. If you're going to be with my granddaughter again... and I see that this is inevitable, make sure you clear yourselves of other commitments first. That includes your girls. None of this nonsense that broke you two apart the last time. Talk to your girls first... and be kind to Rainey..."

"I will," I said, uncertain what grey areas might lurk between following his advice and somewhat ignoring it. How I could stop myself from holding and hugging and kissing Audrey again, I didn't know. I wasn't sure I wanted to avoid such things even as the knowledge that I was cheating on Rainey festered in my mind.

"Well," said Herman, leaning forward and slowly standing up, "I'm going to see my wife again. Audrey needs to be at school in the morning, she's already missing a day here. Take her home shortly, no need for her to hang out here. You'll see her home?"

"I will," I replied, "and if you need anything, please let me know."

"I appreciate that. Take care, Darren."

- - -

I texted my daughters while I waited at the hospital, letting them know what was going on with Joyce. I knew they were in classes and they would check their messages at some point that day. Vic had softball practice and I let her know I'd be there to pick her up if her sister wasn't yet through with her dance practice.

Vic texted back almost immediately, expressing her sorrow for Joyce's condition, then my phone rang, showing my eldest daughter's pic. "Hey, Gwen."

"Hey, Dad, are you okay?"

"Fine, thanks, just waiting at the hospital right now."

"Is Audrey there?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay..."

"I'm taking her back to her house shortly. Joyce is stable, seems it was minor but they're keeping her here until at least tomorrow. Are you able to take your sister home after softball?"

"Sure, I'm finishing up early today, I think. I'll wait for her."

"Thank, Gwen. I really appreciate that."

"Sure, no problem."

"Love you, Gwennie, err... Gwen."

She chuckled, "Love you, Dad. Gotta run."

- - -

Audrey was quiet on our drive back to her home. I didn't have any desire to press what we'd discussed earlier that day given the concerns for Joyce and the fact that my own thoughts were very much unsettled and anxious. Thankfully, other than holding my hand during the last half of the trip from the hospital, there'd been nothing more which forced us both to think further on our decisions.

I pulled up at my house and we got out. Audrey looked at me a moment, then said, "I'm going to take a bath, I think... Will you come over later? So we can talk..."

I nodded, "Of course..."

More quietly, she said, "I love you."

"I love you..."

- - -

I showered, as well. There was something about being in a hospital that, despite the sanitized environment within, made me feel dirty. Maybe it was psychological, something about being around sick people that I needed to cleanly break away from. The hot shower helped, but it did nothing to help me break away from the other worries in my head.

I still had to figure out how to end things with Rainey. As far as she knew, all was well with us. Sure, she still told me she loved me and I still declined to return the sentiment, but she'd been happy each time we saw each other, and I felt simply awful continuing to live a lie with her.

I just didn't know how to deal with Rainey yet. The conversation with Audrey made it clear where the two of us would go, and somehow, I had to find the strength to tell Rainey sooner rather than later. The longer I waited, I knew, the harder it would be to, as Herman had asked, be kind to her.

She did deserve better than me, but, for many reasons, I wasn't about to admit to my affair. That seemed cruel to me. Sure, she did deserve honesty from me, but I failed to see how telling her about that night in Tokyo made anything better for Rainey. It might mean she would be the one to break things off, and rightly so. It was the easy way out, in some sense, at least for me. But it would leave Rainey with the knowledge that, despite how much trust and love she'd showed me, she wasn't good enough.

Plus, Audrey was still underage, almost a year to go before she would be seventeen, the age of consent in Texas. I simply could not tell Rainey about the teen. It would have been wholly justified to have her anger turn towards me in a way which led the police to my door. I couldn't risk that happening, and I was at that time at a loss as to how to proceed.

I texted Rainey a short message letting her know about Joyce and she responded almost immediately. Can I give you a call? her message ended.

The phone rang and I answered, "Hey, Rainey."

"Hi, Love. How's she doing?"

I filled Rainey in quickly, ignoring my racing heart and the pounding which was slowly growing from a dull ache to a sharper strain behind my eyes. "She'll be there until tomorrow. I'm sure she'd appreciate a visit if you are free before work."

"I'll go shortly," Rainey replied, "can you go with me?"

I hesitated, unable to come up with an plausible reason which didn't include mention of Audrey. "Uh... sure."

"Thirty minutes, then? I can't stay long, I've got to get to work for an extra half shift today around three."

"Sure," I repeated.

"Great... see you then, Darren. I love you."

"See you then..."

- - -

I knocked on Audrey's door and the teen answered in her pajamas, auburn hair still wet from the shower. "Hey," she greeted me, sounding tired.

"Hey, uh, listen... I talked to Rainey about Joyce. She's going to go for a short visit and... she asked that I come with her..."

Audrey looked sullen. "And you're going with her...?"

"This time, yes."

"Ah."

"Please... give me time, okay?"

"I know... I just... Forget it," Audrey said, waving her hand, "I understand... But... will you come visit me afterwards?"

"I will. I promise..."

"Do what you have to do, Darren... I'm going to call Travis as soon as classes are out. I'm ending it with him today..."

"Okay... I... I can't promise... uh... the same... not yet..."

"I know," she said, and I wasn't sure if she was upset or angry or simply resigned to the current situation, "just... do what you have to, okay?"

"I will."

"Darren... I love you..."

"I love you, too."

- - -

It was strange how easily those words came out when it was Audrey who said them to me. I felt that love as a genuine part of my life, as if it was so integral to who I was, to who I wanted to be, that saying I love you to Audrey was simply a given, like inhaling and exhaling. When it was Rainey who said them, as she did when I met her outside the hospital a short time later, I just could not return the feelings. I was already lying to her implicitly, first by not mentioning the night with Audrey in Tokyo, and even more so by ignoring the conversations the teen and I had had that day.

By ignoring the kiss we'd shared.

My relationship with Rainey was already over.

She just didn't know it yet.